Let’s talk about something I see all the time—especially with women who have high emotional intelligence. You’re so damn good at understanding people. You can see exactly why someone acts the way they do. You get the trauma. You understand the trigger. You can trace their behavior back to the wound. And because you understand it, you let them get away with treating you like crap.
Lets…stop doing that.
Compassion & Boundaries Can Co-Exist
Girl, I get it. I have a stupidly high EQ. I’m self-aware to a fault. So for example, when my brother gets triggered and lashes out at me, I can see exactly what’s happening. I know what old wound just got poked. I understand why he’s reacting this way. And for years, that understanding made me think I had to take it. Like because I could see the why behind his behavior, I somehow had to absorb the emotional beating that came with it.
Spoiler alert: I don’t. And neither do you.
Understanding why someone behaves a certain way doesn’t mean you have to tolerate rude, hurtful or disrespectful behavior. Compassion for their struggle doesn’t require you to abandon your own standards. You can hold both. You can think, “I see why you’re hurting” AND “You’re not going to take it out on me.” That’s not being mean. That’s having boundaries.
The Trap of Being “Understanding”
Here’s what happens when you’re emotionally intelligent and compassionate: People treat you like their emotional punching bag. And you let them. Because you get it. You understand why your mom is critical—she was raised that way. You understand why your friend flakes on you constantly—she’s overwhelmed. You understand why your sibling snaps at you—they’re dealing with their own shit. And because you understand, you make excuses for them. You absorb their bad behavior. You tell yourself, “They’re going through a lot. I should be patient. I should be kind.”
Meanwhile, they’re walking all over you. And you’re calling it “compassion.” But that’s not actually compassion. That’s you abandoning yourself. And I had to learn that the hard way. (and still learning it!)
Compassion says: “I see you’re in pain. I understand why you’re struggling.”
Self-abandonment says: “I see you’re in pain, so I’ll let you hurt me to make you feel better.”
Compassion with boundaries says: “I see you’re in pain. I care about you. AND you still need to treat me with respect.”
See the difference? One protects the relationship. The other protects YOU while still honoring the relationship. And here’s the wild part: Boundaries are actually more compassionate in the long run. When you let people treat you poorly without consequence, you’re teaching them that their behavior is acceptable. You’re enabling the pattern. You’re robbing them of the opportunity to grow. When you hold a boundary, you’re saying: “I care about you enough to not let you keep doing this—to me OR to yourself.” That’s real compassion. Not the fake kind that abandons you in the process.
What are you actually afraid of?
I know why you don’t set boundaries even when you know you should.
You’re afraid they’ll get more upset. You’re afraid of conflict. You’re afraid of being called “mean” or “selfish” or “not understanding enough.” You’re afraid that if you stop absorbing their bad behavior, they’ll reject you. So you keep taking it. And you call it being kind.
But babe, kindness that costs you your peace isn’t kindness. It’s self-betrayal. And the people who truly love you, don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for their comfort. The ones who do…well that’s information.
