You’ve heard it before:

“You have to forgive them—not for them, but for you.”

I’ve even said that. And sometimes, that’s absolutely true. But sometimes it’s not that simple.

I wanna pull apart that idea—and get honest about when forgiveness actually frees us… and when it’s just spiritual bypassing dressed up as healing.

 When Forgiveness Does Set You Free

For a long time, I stayed pissed at my ex.

He hurt me deeply. Used me like a placeholder in his life—happy to have me there until I no longer served a purpose. Then he dropped me. Just like that.

I was naive—I’ll own that.

I’m an eternal optimist, and I thought the “month-long break” we agreed to take might actually fix things.

But it wasn’t a break.

It was just kicking the can down the road toward the inevitable: a breakup.

He already knew that. I didn’t. 

So I held onto that anger like a shield. I replayed what he did over and over in my head. And I refused to forgive him—because he didn’t deserve it.

In my mind, staying angry felt like power. Like a way to punish him. But the truth is, I was the one still carrying the weight.

Then one day—on a sunny morning drive to church—I felt it.

Not pressure.

Not obligation.

But an intuitive, quiet knowing:

“You can let this go now.”

And I did.

Right there in the car, I forgave him—not because he earned it.

But because I was so tired of letting anger live in my body.

The moment I released it, the dark cloud lifted. The heaviness disappeared.

And I felt free again.

So yes, I believe forgiveness is powerful.

When it’s genuine.

When it’s for you.

When you’re ready.

But here’s the other truth:

You Can Heal Before You Forgive

There were years before that moment where I wasn’t ready. And I still did a hell of a lot of healing.

Because here’s the thing: forgiveness is not the starting line. Sometimes, it’s the finish.

And no one gets to rush you there—not your family, not your therapist, not your faith community, and definitely not the self-help internet.

You can grieve the loss.

You can feel the anger.

You can set boundaries.

You can take your power back.

All without having to “be the bigger person” before your heart is actually ready.

Forgiveness isn’t a performance.

And it certainly doesn’t mean what happened was okay.

It just means you’re choosing not to let it live inside you anymore.

And sometimes, that choice comes later.

⚡ Want The Fierce Truth?

You don’t need to forgive to heal.

You can start healing by simply choosing to stop carrying their story.

But if and when you do reach that moment of forgiveness—on your own terms—it can feel like total liberation.

Not because they earned it.

But because you’re done letting their choices shape your energy.

P.S. This is one of the exact things I guide women through inside Fierce Confidence™:

• Learning to process the pain without bypassing it.
• Reclaiming your voice.
• And setting yourself free—whether or not forgiveness is part of the equation.

If this hit something deep in you… you’re not alone. And you don’t have to unpack it alone either.

👉 Want to talk about it? Book a free 15-min Clarity Call here.