For a long time, I used to save my fancy perfume and sexy underwear for “special occasions.” A date night. A big event. Maybe a night when I wanted to impress someone else.

And then one day I thought, why the hell am I waiting?

Why was I reserving the things that made me feel good for someone else’s attention? Why did I need a date, a partner, or some outside reason to give myself permission to feel sexy?

That realization changed the way I think about pleasure.

Because learning how to turn yourself on isn’t really about being sexually available or trying to look hotter for someone else. It’s about learning how to create a relationship with your own body, pleasure, sensuality, and aliveness.

And no, you don’t have to be turned on every damn day. You just have to stop believing that someone else is responsible for turning you on.

What does it actually mean to turn yourself on?

When I talk about learning how to turn yourself on, I’m not talking exclusively about sex. I’m talking about feeling connected to yourself. Feeling good in your skin. Feeling curious about your body. Feeling present instead of completely stuck in your head. Letting yourself experience pleasure without immediately deciding whether you’ve earned it or whether someone else will benefit from it.

That’s a very different conversation than simply asking, “How do I feel sexy?” Because feeling sexy for yourself isn’t about looking a certain way. It’s about experiencing yourself as a woman who is allowed to want, feel, explore and enjoy. And that can look really fucking simple.

I wake up, take a shower, and use the expensive perfume I used to save for special occasions. I put on the sexy underwear even if nobody is going to see it. I put on body cream because I like how it feels against my skin. Nobody else needs to know.

I know. And that changes something.

Stop saving your pleasure for someone else

Women are taught, in a million subtle ways, to experience themselves through someone else’s eyes.

Am I attractive enough? Does my partner think I’m sexy? Does this outfit make me look good? Will someone notice me? Am I desirable?

We’ve been conditioned to think of sexiness as something that’s confirmed by somebody else. But what if you didn’t need the confirmation? What if you could put on the perfume because you love the way you smell? Wear the underwear because you feel hot in it? Move your body because it feels so damn good?

That’s part of learning how to turn yourself on. You’re shifting from performing your body to experiencing it. And there’s a huge difference.

Get back into your body

One of the easiest ways to reconnect with your sensuality is to actually move. Dance around your kitchen. Sway your hips. Stretch. Take a slow shower. Put on music that makes you want to move. Run your hands over your arms, your legs, your belly or your curves. Not because you’re checking for flaws. Because you’re feeling yourself. That’s what embodiment is all about.

Your body isn’t just something you look at, evaluate, dress up, criticize, fix or present to other people. It’s where you experience your life. If you’re used to experiencing your body primarily through how it looks, read Why Feeling Sexy Isn’t About the Mirror for a deeper look at what changes when you stop looking at your body and start experiencing it.

When you’re constantly living from your head, checking your to-do list, solving problems, taking care of everyone else and pushing yourself toward the next accomplishment, it’s easy to lose that connection. Sensuality gives you a reason to come back.

You don’t have to perform it. You don’t have to look sexy while you’re doing it. You don’t even have to do it for very long. Just feel.

And yes, masturbation counts

Let’s go there. If you want to learn how to turn yourself on, masturbation is one possible way to explore your own pleasure without making somebody else’s experience the center of it. And I’m not talking about rushing through it because you’ve got 10 minutes before your next Zoom call.

Slow down. Get curious.

Notice what feels good. Notice what doesn’t. Pay attention to your breathing, your body, your sensations, your desire. There’s no performance review at the end. And here’s the part I really want you to hear: pleasure doesn’t have to be productive to be worthwhile.

You don’t have to turn an orgasm into a creativity hack. You don’t have to justify pleasure because it makes you more motivated afterward. You can simply enjoy yourself. That’s enough. For a woman who is used to making everything useful, efficient, productive, or worthwhile, that can be surprisingly radical.

You don’t have to feel sexy to be worthy

There’s another piece of this that matters. Learning how to turn yourself on isn’t about forcing yourself to feel sexy when you don’t. Some days you’re going to feel sensual and connected to your body. Other days you’re going to feel exhausted, bloated, hormonal, stressed, disconnected or like putting on pants is already asking too much. That’s okay, babe.

Your worth doesn’t disappear when your libido does. Your confidence doesn’t disappear because your body changed. You don’t have to manufacture desire in order to be a desirable woman. The goal is not to become some permanently turned-on version of yourself. The goal is to know that your relationship with your body and your pleasure belongs to you.

You are allowed to be the reason

When I stopped saving my “nice things” for someone else, something shifted. Every day became a little more like a special occasion because I was the reason. And that’s the piece I want you to take with you.

You don’t need a partner to validate your sexuality. You don’t need somebody to tell you you’re beautiful before you can enjoy your body. You don’t need to wait until you’ve lost weight, finished the project, gotten through the busy season, booked the vacation, or found the perfect outfit. You can start now. Put on the perfume. Use the expensive body cream. Wear the underwear. Dance around your kitchen. Take yourself out to dinner. Move your body in a way that feels good. Touch your own skin. Masturbate if you want to. Or don’t. The point isn’t the activity.

The point is that you stop outsourcing your relationship with pleasure.

Learning how to turn yourself on is ultimately about learning that you are allowed to feel good in your own life. Not because someone else might notice. Not because it makes you more attractive. Not because it makes you more productive. Because you’re a woman with a body, desires, preferences, sensations and a life that belongs to you. You don’t have to wait for someone else to light your fire.

You’ve had the matches all along.

Photo credit: Molnar Balint