Let’s talk about being turned on.

And no, I’m not talking exclusively about sex. I’m talking about that feeling of being connected to yourself and engaged with your own life. The feeling of having access to your curiosity, your creativity, your desires, your body and the parts of you that make you feel like you.

Because life has a way of disconnecting you from all of that.

You get busy. You get stressed. Someone you love is going through something. Your relationship changes. Your career stops feeling right. Your body changes. You’re exhausted. You’re grieving something you haven’t quite admitted you’re grieving. Before you know it, you’re functioning just fine from the outside while feeling completely checked out on the inside.

You’re getting shit done. You’re showing up. You’re taking care of everyone. You’re answering the emails, making the money, going to the gym and keeping the household running. But when was the last time you actually felt alive?

That’s what I mean when I talk about staying turned on.

It’s not about forcing yourself to be positive or pretending everything is amazing when it isn’t. It’s about learning how to stay connected to yourself even when life is hard.

Being turned on isn’t the same as being happy

You don’t have to be cheerful, energetic or enthusiastic all the time to be connected to yourself. Sometimes being connected means letting yourself be pissed off. Sometimes it means admitting you’re sad. Sometimes it means saying, “I actually don’t want this anymore.” Sometimes it means resting instead of pushing through.

The goal isn’t to stay in a constant state of excitement. That’s exhausting and completely unrealistic. The goal is to stay present enough with yourself that you don’t disappear into autopilot.

And stress can make that harder. When we’re under prolonged stress, the body’s stress response can affect everything from muscle tension and sleep to concentration and mood. The American Psychological Association explains how stress affects the body

When life gets hard, disconnection can feel easier. You can numb out with work, scroll for hours, overeat, overexercise, drink, keep yourself constantly busy or throw yourself into taking care of everyone else. None of those things make you a bad person. They’re ways humans cope. But eventually, you have to come back to yourself.

Your body can bring you back

When you’re overwhelmed, it’s incredibly easy to move entirely into your head. You analyze, plan, overthink, research, make lists and try to figure out what you’re supposed to do. Meanwhile, your body is giving you information you’ve completely stopped listening to.

Your shoulders are tense. Your jaw is clenched. Your stomach is in knots. You’re holding your breath. Or maybe you notice that you feel lighter when you imagine a particular decision, person or possibility.

Your body isn’t a magical decision-making machine, and not every uncomfortable sensation means something is wrong. But it can give you information worth noticing.

Move. Stretch. Dance. Take a walk. Breathe. Put on music. Take a shower. Get out of your head and back into the physical experience of being alive.

Learning to stay connected to yourself means learning to notice what’s happening in your body instead of immediately overriding it.

Make room for pleasure

Pleasure is easy to put at the bottom of the list when life gets serious. You have responsibilities. People need you. There’s work to do. So pleasure becomes something you earn after everything else is finished.

Except everything is never finished.

Your pleasure doesn’t have to be productive, and it doesn’t have to lead to sex, creativity or some profound personal breakthrough. Sometimes pleasure can just be pleasure. Wear the perfume you love on a Tuesday. Put on the underwear you usually save for date night. Take yourself out for coffee. Listen to music that makes you want to move. Have sex because you actually want to, not because you’re supposed to.

Masturbate. Don’t masturbate. Take a ridiculously long shower. Buy the fancy lotion. Sit in the sun for ten minutes.

The activity itself isn’t the point. The point is remembering that your experience of your own life matters.

Pay attention to what you want

One of the fastest ways to disconnect from yourself is to stop asking what you want.

What does everyone else need? What makes sense? What would be responsible? What would make people happy? What should you do?

Those questions have their place. But eventually, you need to ask a different one: What do I actually want?

Maybe you want something completely different than you wanted five years ago. Maybe you want more money, more sex, less work, a different career, a bigger life, a slower life, a new relationship or more adventure. You don’t have to act on every desire, but you do need to be willing to hear yourself want something.

Desire is information. When you stop allowing yourself to want things, you can end up living a perfectly acceptable life that doesn’t feel like yours.

Create something just because you can

You don’t have to call yourself an artist to need creative expression. Creativity is one of the ways we process what’s happening inside us and make something out of it.

And there’s evidence that everyday creative activity is associated with greater wellbeing. A 2021 meta-analysis found a positive relationship between creativity and wellbeing, particularly when creativity was measured through actual creative activities and behaviors. Read the creativity and wellbeing research

So write. Paint. Dance around your kitchen. Rearrange your house. Make something ugly. Start the project you’ve been thinking about for three years.

And for the love of God, stop waiting until you’re good enough.

You don’t need to monetize it. You don’t need to post it. You don’t need to turn it into a side hustle. Create because creating reminds you that you’re more than your responsibilities. You’re allowed to make things simply because you want to.

Notice who brings you back to yourself

Pay attention to how you feel around the people in your life. Not just whether they’re “good people,” but whether you feel more like yourself around them or less like yourself.

Can you be honest? Can you be weird? Can you change your mind? Can you talk about your dreams without immediately explaining them away? Can you be successful without someone trying to knock you down? Can you be struggling without feeling like you have to perform being okay?

The right relationships don’t require you to become smaller so everyone else can stay comfortable. Sometimes staying connected to yourself means changing who has access to you.

That’s not cruelty.

That’s a boundary.

You don’t have to stay turned on all the time

This is important.

You are not failing because you’re tired. You are not disconnected from yourself because you’re having a hard season. You don’t have to constantly be productive, passionate, sexual, creative or excited about your life.

Sometimes the most connected thing you can do is rest. Sometimes it’s grieve. Sometimes it’s admit that you’re not okay. Sometimes it’s stop pretending you want something you don’t.

Being turned on by your life doesn’t mean you’re perpetually enthusiastic about it. It means you’re still willing to experience it. You’re willing to feel, want, notice, question, change and explore.

You’re willing to come back to yourself.

And that might be the real work of confidence. Not becoming some louder, shinier, more fearless version of yourself, but learning how to stay connected to yourself even when life gets messy.

Your life isn’t something you simply survive until the next good thing happens. You’re allowed to be here for it. You’re allowed to want things, feel good, change your mind and take up space in your own life.

So maybe the question isn’t, “How do I stay turned on no matter what?”

Maybe it’s simply: What helps me feel like myself again?

That answer is going to change throughout your life. And learning to listen for it is part of learning to trust yourself.

If you’re realizing you’ve gotten really good at functioning but not so good at actually feeling connected to yourself, that’s exactly the kind of work we explore inside Fierce Confidence™.

Fierce Confidence™ is an 8-week experience for women who are ready to stop second-guessing themselves, reconnect with their bodies and desires and build a deeper sense of self-trust. If that sounds like the work you’re ready for, start by booking your complimentary Breakthrough Strategy Call.