I feel like I’ve been having the same conversation on repeat lately.

Women on my consultation calls, at some point, all say the same thing:

“I feel like I lost myself.”

After kids. After marriage. After years of putting everyone else first. They can’t remember what they like to do anymore. What music they listen to. What they want. Who they even are outside of ‘mom’ or ‘wife’ or ‘the responsible one.’ And here’s what I tell them:

Babe, you didn’t lose yourself. You left yourself behind.

There’s a difference.

You may be thinking…why does this matter?

“Losing yourself” sounds like something that happened to you. Like you woke up one day and POOF—you were gone. But that’s not what happened.

You made a series of choices (often unconscious ones) to put yourself last, shrink your needs and make everyone else more important than you.

You told yourself it was temporary. Just for this season. Just until the kids are older. Just until things settle down.You convinced yourself that’s what good mothers do. Good wives. Good women.

Sacrifice. Accommodate. Shrink.

Put everyone else’s needs, schedules, preferences and comfort ahead of your own.And somewhere along the way, your needs became optional. Your desires became selfish. Your SELF became something you’d get back to later. Except later never comes, does it?

What does this look like in real life?

Let me paint you a picture. Tell me if this sounds familiar: You can’t remember the last time you bought clothes that weren’t “practical.” Someone asks what you want for your birthday and you draw a blank. You don’t know what your hobbies are anymore because you don’t have time for hobbies. (And honestly, you can’t even remember what you used to do for fun.) You’ve forgotten what music YOU like because you only listen to kid songs in the car. You can’t tell anyone what you want to eat because you’ve spent so long asking everyone ELSE what they want that your own preferences feel… irrelevant.

You do things “for yourself” but they’re really for everyone else. Meal prep. Getting organized. Going to the gym so you have more energy for your family. Even your self-care serves other people.

When was the last time you did something just for YOU?

Not something that makes you a better mom or wife or employee. Something that serves absolutely no one else. Something you do just because you want to. If you’re sitting here trying to remember… boo, that’s the problem.

The Story We Tell Ourselves

Here’s the lie we’ve all been sold as women: Good mothers put their kids first. Good wives are supportive. Good women are selfless.

And yes, there is truth in prioritizing your family. In showing up for the people you love. I’m not knocking that. I’m talking about somewhere along the way, “putting your kids first” became “putting yourself last.”

And we wear it like a badge of honor, don’t we?

“Oh, I haven’t had time for myself in years!”

“I can’t even remember the last time I did something fun!”

“Everything I do is for my family!”

We say it with pride. Like our erasure is proof of our devotion.

But here’s what no one tells you:

Your kids don’t need a martyr. They need a whole human. They don’t need you to disappear so they can thrive. They need to see you as a person who has interests, boundaries, desires and a life that exists beyond their needs. Because if they don’t? You’re teaching them that this is what women do. Shrink. Sacrifice. Disappear.

And is that what you want for them?

The Fierce Truth

You didn’t lose yourself, babe. You left yourself behind. And I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. I’m saying it because if you left yourself behind, that means you can go back and get her. She’s still in there. Under the mom guilt. Under the exhaustion. Under the years of “shoulds” and “have tos” and “I’ll do it laters.” The version of you who had opinions and preferences and dreams that had nothing to do with anyone else…

She didn’t disappear. You just stopped listening to her.

And the work now is not about “finding yourself” like you’re on some damn spiritual scavenger hunt. It’s about choosing yourself. Daily. Even when it feels selfish. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when everyone else is used to you putting them first. It’s about remembering that you’re allowed to take up space. To have needs. To want things that serve no one but you.

You’re allowed to be more than a mom. More than a wife. More than the person everyone else needs you to be.

You’re allowed to be YOU.